x = .81(y)

That is the formula of the day. Today, April 26, 2006, marks the first time since high school that I have used algebra for practical purposes. I needed to figure out some numbers for work and I just couldn't get it. Then, I said, "I feel like I'm doing a word problem from high school" and it dawned on me that that is exactly what I should be doing. Hence, the formula. I'm so proud of myself! Mr. Solomon would be proud, too, if he weren't so busy being in jail.

To tame or not to tame

I should probably issue a warning: this may be stream-of-consciousness at its finest! Now, on to the stream! I've been thinking a lot lately about how to be the best Hyla I can be. What is the best Hyla? Is Hyla better when she just lives and is free from the hindrance of self-consciousness? Is taking time to think about the words that come out of my mouth being intentional or second-guessing myself? Do I need to edit myself more or less? Would I be freer to be me if I put tighter reins on my behavior or would I be inhibiting my natural personality?
I suppose I don't really have any answers for these questions. I ask them frequently, though, because I feel like my personality is so big and overwhelming. And, quite honestly, sometimes I'm embarrassed by it. My voice exaggerates things in ways that I don't mean them to be exaggerated and I'm sure that I scare off some people that I really mean to draw in. And, so I wonder what would happen if I intentionally corraled some of that for a tamer version of me. But, it may just turn out that I would feel fake and suffocated. I don't know. Hmmmm... well, that was the thought for the day.
I'll try to be funnier tomorrow.

What is it about rain?

I could write about rain forever. When I woke up and realized it was raining, my first thought was, "I've got to go running." It was the perfect morning for a run (well, jog or lope may be more fitting). There is something so renewing about running in the rain. The only people out are other people running and it just seems so easy to get inside my own head and clear out the fogginess. The rain feels so good running down my face. I can embrace the rain that would normally annoy me and let it soak in. Love it. My spirit feels better, my head feels better and my body feels better.

Sousa said this??

"Jazz will endure just as long as people hear it through their feet instead of their brains."

The view from the late 20's

Well, it's officially happened. I can no longer claim to be in my mid-twenties. I am a late-twenties-something. Crazy! I can't believe I'm 28. How did this happen? Have I done enough with my life to claim 28 years? That's likely more than a third of my life. poof! I need to make the next third really count!
However, I had a pretty good birthday. I had had a not-so-great weekend and work today was more than stressful. But, throughout yesterday and today, I got voicemails and texts and e-mails wishing me a happy birthday! It's so great to know that I have people all around the world (ok, so it wouldn't have been all around the world except that Colleen and Nathaniel are in Korea) care about me...and care enough to remember my birthday. And, then, this evening, there were cards, a cake...even a gift! How cool is that! But, you know what was awesome? I got a card that was signed by tons of people and as I read through them all, I realized that there was not even one person on there that I knew when I turned 27. I've met all of those people in the last year and all of them cared enough to sign a birthday card for me and I would earnestly call each of them my friend. THAT, my friends, is awesome! Last year, I knew almost no one and spent my birthday with the few people that I did know (which was totally fun! don't get sad-faced, Tara!) and this year, I feel like I live here.
Ok, I guess I'll stop rambling now. If you were around me today, thanks for making me feel special! You're awesome!

Blast from the Past

I went back to my hometown this weekend, partly to visit my parents, but also to meet with some people about planning our 10 yr. HS reunion. What a blast from the past. The boy that always intimidated me and treated me like a sub-human is a bonafide redneck. The girls that were all popular and preppy have husbands and children now. (Maybe that's what preppy, popular people do, I don't know.) The super nice guy that everyone loved is still the super nice guy that everyone loves, including his fiancee. And, I, of course, still come in the door mouth first, but I think my presence is very different. I hope so, at least. Anyways, the meeting went well...I felt pretty good about myself after I left, which is really what I was concerned about...feeling like the ugly, unpopular girl. I mean, I wasn't exactly class president growing up.
So, then on the way back to DC, we stopped at Burger King for an oh-so-healthy dinner in Hagerstown and a girl we went to school with, but hadn't talked to in 10 years walked in! How crazy is that?!? Turns out she lives in Annapolis and works in Bethesda. Crazy! Anyways, so, it was an interesting alumni kind of weekend.
But, for now, I have a splitting headache so I'm going to bed.

The signifier on my cake

We celebrated April birthdays at work today. My cake was carrot cake. It was very yummy. It also had orange icing carrots on the top. I would have known it was carrot cake even if there was no signifier on it to clue me in. I would like to petition for signifier-free carrot cake.

The optimal form of me

As any of my friends, family, heck - even enemies, will testify, I can be a bit of an extrovert. Sometimes, I'm closer to the introvert/extrovert line. But, every once in a while I take a running start and LEAP over the line into extrovertedness. Such was the case today. And, I always think I'm having a really good time, but then I go home and think, "I am the most obnoxious girl on the planet." And, of course, I wonder if everyone else thinks I'm the most obnoxious girl they've ever met. So, then I think, "I should really try to tame down my personality a little bit. I'm a little bit over the top." But, then, am I really being true to myself? Or, am I just working on being an even better form of myself? Oh, I don't know. Why do I do the things I do not want to do and the things I want to do are the very things I do not do???

My restlessness and ten years ago

I'm feeling restless tonight. I didn't want to go out, but now that I'm in, I'm a little lonely. The afternoon alone was good - productive, refreshing, even (gasp) fun. But, then when I sat down tonight with my Beijing style (that's TJ's terminology, not mine) stirfry, it felt a little empty. It's moments like these that it hits me really hard what it means to be single. Every once in a while, I have to be alone when I don't want to be. I didn't want to be out being charming and charismatic, but I would have liked someone here to tease me and dance around the kitchen with a spatula while I cooked. Or, imagine it... cook for me! But, I survived. I had a damn-good meal, thanks to Trader Joe's, and made my rounds in the blogosphere.

Which brings me to the "ten years ago" part of this post. A friend said on her blog that the yahoo blog topic of the day is What were you doing ten years ago? I started thinking about it and you know, I was counting down the days until I was out of my house. I was just about to turn 18 and wanted nothing more than to leave Ebensburg, go to college and pursue my dreams. It's kind of ironic (is it ironic? I don't know) that tonight I would like nothing more than to fix my mom a cup of tea and sit in her kitchen talking about nothing, but knowing that she understands me, if for no other reason than because she's known me the longest.

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Mama always said...

My mom lived in the same county, almost exclusively, for the first 40 or so years of her life. She must have found the transition to a new community a bit jarring because during that time (and after, too) I remember her saying, "Never say anything bad about anyone. You never know who's related to who."
Tonight, I went to hear The Julliard Quartet at the Library of Congress tonight. Among other works, they played a new work premiered just over 6 months ago. About 45 seconds into the first movement, my companion (who shall remain nameless, but he's about my age, shaved head... you might recognize him if you saw him) looks at me and puts his hand out over his knee and shakes it. It was that universal "It's okaay" symbol. I did the noncomittal head-sway as my jury was still out. So, they finish out the piece and when the quartet took their bows they pointed into the audience to acknowledge the composer. As is often the case with new works, the composer was in the audience....two seats down from me. I hope he didn't see his hand gesture, but I don't know how he could have missed it. Not that it really matters, but it is funny. Just goes to show. "Never say anything bad about anyone."

Two DC-isms

The cherry blossoms were so pretty...check out this accidentally perfect picture.

Also, there is a rumor that a Dunkin' Donuts opening on Barracks' Row in three months... mmmm

The chip on my shoulder

I've just gotta get this out of me. Why doesn't Susan Komen start adopting other wonderful causes? The Susan G. Komen foundation has seen one of the most successful (if not the most successful) campaigns in raising both money and awareness in history. Pink clothing, pens, hats, even the lights on Philly's buildings work for the cause of breast cancer research. Tonight, someone sent me a forward about buying pink M&Ms. (If you were the forwarder, know that I'm not upset...it just brought up a latent sentiment.) I thought, for the love of God, even our candy has a cause. Now, I must back up and say that I am ever grateful to the research and technology that allowed my mother, two aunts and a grandmother to survive breast cancer. However, with the wildly successful marketing and partnerships of Susan G. Komen, I wonder what other causes could be helped as well!?!
Thanks to Colleen and our conversation several years ago in a red Lumina on St. Asaph's Rd. for sparking this in me.

A contemplative moment*

I have been very busy lately...in a good way, but still busy. It would be an overstatement to say that I feel out of control, but it is nearing that. There are certain things that I really want to do that I just can't seem to find time for. I realize that it is a matter of priorities and as long as spending time with people remains a top priority, other things are going to get pushed down on the totem pole. But, spending time with people is my priority and I think it is one of the most important things in life. That being said, I wish I didn't have to go to work so I had time to do some of the other things I want to do... like rework my thesis!! So, I decided to conduct a two-week survey of my time. I'm logging what I do everyday for 2 weeks and then I will analyze it and figure out where my time is being spent in percentages. Then, I will be able to evaluate it and make adjustments so that I am using my time in the best possible way for the moment.
*contemplative may be pronounced with emphasis on either the first or second syllable.

My week, musically

I am a lucky, lucky little girl and was privileged to attend several live performances this week. On Thursday, I heard the NSO play an Elgar piece, a newer piano concerto by Melinda Wagner and Rachmaninoff's Second Symphony. The Elgar was tolerable. I was definitely intrigued by the piano concerto. There were definitely moments of beauty. She used some incredible textures between instruments that happened really seamlessly, but there were other spots where she seemed to fall just short of a profound effect. And, of course, the Rachmaninoff is just gorgeous. Often, when I'm listening to a symphony, I get so focused on following the form throughout and picking up on all the details and essentially analyzing it in my brain that I don't allow it to move me. However, I was really tired and I was able to just listen and enjoy the beautiful sounds without over-intellectualizing it. It was just really nice. I wished I could have hit repeat and let it play again. I love going to the orchestra during the week...it's such a nice retreat from life. I feel secluded in the concert hall even though hundreds of other people (thousands, actually) are all around me.
Then, last night, I got comp tickets to Cyro Baptista and Beat the Donkey, presented by WPAS. I knew it had to be okay if it was presented by WPAS as they always have great performances. And, it was...but if only I could describe it. Well, I'll try. Envision Stomp meets BlueManGroup (minus the paint) meets psychodelic performance of the early 1970's. I felt like I should have imbibed prior to the performance for the ultimate effect. It was fun. Kind of weird to just sit there and watch, though. It seemed like it should have been in a venue where you could get up and dance and not feel silly or be stared at like the super-crunchy people dancing over on the side aisle. Fun, nonetheless.
Oh, the diversity of my musical experiences.

my inner-15-year-old

I'm not generally very girlie, nor big on the girl popster of the moment. However, I heard a song for the first time that I thought had great words. Then, I heard it again 5 minutes later. It's Natasha Bedingfield's Unwritten. It's basically the usual teenage angst, unwritten book theme, but I love it. And, honestly, it resonates me on a Spiritual level - take it for what it's worth. Check it out for yourself:


I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

It can only get better

So far today, I've:
- gotten up late
- forgotten my phone
- lost my gloves
- dropped my newspaper somewhere
- realized that the appointment I was late for isn't actually until tomorrow.

It surely MUST get better, right?

On an Upswing

This week has been a really great upswing. A week ago, I was sad and stressed and not looking forward to the week ahead. Tonight, though, I am ready to go conquer the world! Well, not conquer, really, but you get the idea. My apartment is sparkly clean and even has some sweet tulips decking it out. I spent the day shopping and cooking and cleaning...it was wonderful. And, then I had the added bonus of having a few friends over for great conversation and food and wine. It's part of my concerted effort to hang out with women. I even enjoyed myself! Fabulous!! I feel happy and optimistic and excited for a new week. It's amazing what a difference one's habitat makes!

Oh look, even my blog dressed up!

Isn't it pretty in green? (Shh... don't tell that it's been green forever)
Happy St. Paddy's Day! Here's some of the strangeness from my morning commute:

• Drunk people at 9:30am - priceless - Overheard on escalator, (in shouting voice) "No, we're not going home, we're going to another bar" Don't hear that before noon very often!
• People lined up around the block to get in McFadden's. Doesn't anyone have to go to class or work today?
• A sign in front of a bar&grill: "St. Patrick's Day and LINT specials"
  mmm....yummy... lint! Do you have any toejam or pocketfuzz to go with that?

Just a little randomness to get you through!

I'm making it public

Tomorrow night (Thursday), I'm not making any plans. I'm staying home. I'm doing laundry and cleaning and giving myself a facial and trying to figure out why God says not to fear and then says to fear Him. I'll let you know how that all works out for me.
I thought I'd put it here so it wasn't just a thought, but a statement.

I, hereby, solemnly swear to spend all of Thursday evening by myself. I swear not to be tempted to make plans or go out on the spur of the moment. I swear to clean my socks and my floors. I swear to be rejuvenated by time alone.

a couple questions

I just walked by a bookstore and saw a book in the window titled, Why My Wife Thinks I’m an Idiot.* This makes me want to ask this guy a bunch of questions, the first of which is, “Why did you marry a woman that thinks you’re an idiot?” And then I want to find his wife and ask her why she married a guy she thinks is an idiot. It’s a free country, folks…don’t marry the people you think are idiots. That’s my free word of advice for the day.

* Disclosure: I have not read this book, nor even the book jacket so the comments herein likely have absolutely nothing to do with the book, but everything to do with the title.